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that was said to me by a stranger, a random yoga student, as i was talking to Stephanie the nutritionist. it hit a nerve.

i do want this. but it is not my absolute number one top priority because that slot if filled by my business. i have to make money, and i have to pay my bills…fat or healthy. that is just a fact. i do understand the sentiment behind the statement, especially these last few weeks.

business has been doing great this month. when business is good, it means im always on the run which equals my eating is not proper.  meals get skipped, and when i realize i am hungry i make the quick (usually calorie laden, non nutritious) choices.  breakfast gets skipped and my first meal doesn’t happen until noon many times during the week.

stress has been a huge factor these last few weeks withtense relationships withfriends. one thing i did notice was since i was busy with work, emotional eating wasn’t a huge factor.  i didn’t crave the usual comfort foods, but then again i didn’t have time to sit down and truely poor myself into the foods i would normally gravitate too.

activity is a big key to this journey. before teaching yoga i would practice every single day.  there were changes in my body when i did that.  practicing yoga also triggers something in my head when it comes to food choices, so my eating habits changed.

my emotional eating, besides being busy, may have also been tempered by my work in the veggie garden. working in the garden is almost a zen like experience.  i get passionate and excited about growing my own food. there is nothing better than going into the veggie patch and picking out your lunch or dinner. unfortunately, the garden is still in the baby stages, and i can’t pick anything besides chives and rhubarb. working in the garden is a huge stress reliever.  it’s physical labor – hauling bags of composted manure, digging, walking back and forth from the mini greenhouse, etc. i do enjoy it.  expect more gardening posts.

i did have a moment with a personal trainer at one of the gyms. he offered to work with me every monday, but that didn’t happen.  we did get together for one training session and i had a good time. i really liked his style. i am really out of shape and not where i want to be physically.

working out in the gym is okay. personally i prefer various activities.  last summer, one of my yoga students Michael, introductedme to hitting tennis balls. i had an absolute blast. during the winter i even found two tennis rackets at goodwill so i can grab anyone willing to just hit balls when spring came.  it hasn’t happened yet. i haven’t found anyone to play withwho’s schedule meshes with mine, but i am working on it.

today i went hiking after my yoga class. it was always on my list. i live in such a beautiful and diverse small state, it doesn’t take long to get to a nice hiking spot. Claire (another yoga student, see a pattern here) and i headed off after class. it’s about 5 to 10 minutes away from the gym. such a beautiful day for it too. after being all stressed for the last few weeks, it really helped melt away the emotional toll on my body.  i totally needed it since my body got mad at me and overslept, making me miss my 6am Tuesday morning class.

the combination of being physicial, but  it was actually taking the time out for myself that really made me feel good.  (since i knew i was going hiking today, i made sure i had something for breakfast – wheat toast withpeanut butter Skippy’s natural.) Claire’s company was great, and it was nice learning about her.  we took the easy trail which leads to the tower. i had to rest a few times, and my hip starting aching close to the top towards the tower.  Claire also mentioned when she’s starts out for hiking season, she’s the same way. the hike was going straight up, and the view was worth it.  the weather was perfect – blue sky and not very hot.  it seems to be something we may do again. personally, if i can figure out how to get there myself,  i would love to go once or twice a week.

i was so inspired by my hike today that i stopped off my favorite market for veggies and fruit. i splurged and purchased a few oranges and they had jicama. ever since bravo’stop chef episode with a jicama salad, i’vebeen wanting to try it just never knew what it looked like or where to buy it.  lunch today was a nice salad – greens, grape tomatoes, sprouts, cucumber, and a hard boiled egg with a white balsamic dressing.  my choices become better. while i was waiting for the egg to boil, i was tempted to grab a bag of chips, but i didn’t. that was why i splurged on my oranges. i grabbed an orange and yes it was yummy.

tomorrow, i have a date with another yoga student (mmmmmmmm i see a pattern here) Anne Marie who is working on her pilates certification. personally i am not a big pilates fan, but i love the reformer (a machine that uses the bodies resistance and springs).  it is very core-centric.  i look forward to it, then maybe i’ll get into the garden again.

i do want this, life happens though.  me wanting to be healthy isn’t about just losing the weight.  it’s about a lifestyle and behavioral change,  finding that balance.  if it was just about losing the weight i would be in weight watchers for the 8th time. or heeding the call the Jenny Craig across the parking lot from one of the gyms keeps calling me.  it’s not about particular diets, because i don’t believe they work in the long run.

Stephanie mentioned that i should do a food journal.  i don’t like them, i feel guilty when i don’t have something clean. but understand it will give her a better way to guide me into changing my eating habits. the summer will be easier to eat well since i have my garden and i never shied away from veggies.  the real test will be the fall.

things come up. my journey never stopped even though it felt like i fell down the rabbit hole. honestly i can’t remember the last time i wrote on this blog. if it wasn’t for the nudge Kevin gave asking why i haven’t updated…i don’t know when i would have.

in a way, it reminds me of my journey with weightloss throughout my life. with robust enthusiasm i jump on board and feel deep down how much i want to do it. then a distraction or two happens and eventually the strong path i was on disappears. not forgotten, just not as the top priority. the desire to lose weight and become fierce in body is still there, just not as strong. it’s not new, i am not the first one to feel it and i won’t be the last.

in the last few weeks, although i haven’t written, i have been working out and changing my eating habits. january came and i fell in a funk. along the way i happened to find a workout partner, a lifeguard at one of the fitness centers. we can only get together on tuesdays and thursdays, but it has helped light the fire within me again. Michaela’s goal is to be fierce for her wedding in June so it has been a nice goal. not my personal goal, but because i am the type of person who tends to want to help others it pushes me to push her on occasion. it’s not one sided at all, she pushes me when i feel a little lazy and vice versa.

due to Michaela i have been reintroduced to swimming. as a kid i was always in and out of the water during the humid connecticut summers. it’s been a while since i have been waterlogged and my skills weren’t that great when we first got in the pool.  it was nice to revisit a old passion.  what i do in the water right now isn’t really swimming.  to build up strength in my troublesome leg and hip, i’ve been primarily doing laps with the kickboard and aqua jogging.  adding this  activity into my workout plan has helped – my hip doesn’t hurt me as much, and flare ups with the sciatica has been few and far apart. improvements have been gained within the weeks since i’ve hit the pool. i’m able to do more laps continuously without taking as many breaks when i first started and with aqua jogging i am able to take off the float belt.  i will continue with this for a bit longer then Michaela will reteach me how to swim properly.

the swimming and working out with Michaela has opened a nice door for me to workout. when we didn’t hit the pool, we set up our own little bootcamp in one of the aerobics room. it is more fun having a workout partner especially when you are running suicides, and are able to encourage each other to use a bigger dumbbell or do one more rep. outside of working out together, it has pushed me in working out more.  before my yoga class i would find myself on the elliptical or treadmill for ten minutes. that grew to more time and even me staying after my class to get more time in. eventually i got myself to push it to 60 minutes. it didn’t take much time to get there. what i have become most proud of is my progress. i can tell i am getting stronger, not just with my “swimming”, but seeing the gains in mileage on the elliptical. recently i’ve upgraded the weights i use from just eight and ten pounds, transitioning to twelve pounds.

doing this, and slacking off this week…i realized i need more. i need structure. need more of a plan in what to do. i need to take that next step. honestly, that next step does  hold some fear.

on a fitness community blog i got into a discussion with another about a question that was posed. a poster was asking for direction because she was a chronic binger. i put out a list of my ideas in how to help conquer it including the help from a therapist or a dietitian. one thing i wrote was how the biggest thing she had to do was be serious about working on the problem.  another commenter said i was setting the person up for failure and that the original poster’s first priority would be to get into therapy. i still stand by what i said.  no matter what the addiction is, if you don’t take your desire to fix the issue seriously, doing what you can and have to, then you really are setting yourself up for failure. i know because i’ve been there and done that.

even though i slacked off for the past week, i’m still serious in my pursuit. to confess,  i am a bit scared. i’ve been chubby all my life. there has never been a moment where i was a good healthy weight. so what happens when i am not anymore? the universe has been aligned for me to finally reach that moment this time around. i am working with a dietitian and a few days ago i was offered to be trained by an amazing person at one of the gyms closer to home. (meaning less driving, and frequent access as opposed to the other wonderful opportunities.) i have positive support around me. it’s like all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together really well. and with the possibility of success around the corner, the fear of what happens after that sets in.

i won’t focus on the fear, but it is healthy to realize it is there. it’s healthy to know that it could play a part in failure if i allow it.

there are a couple of topics that have come up so i will be updating again soon.