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i forgive myself. i am not beating myself up because i fell off the wagon.

to keep being negative about it would just sink me down even further.  i understand what happened. last year around thanksgiving my dog, who i raised since she was about a month old or so, got really sick.  cancer. a tumor that invaded the vena cava and stole her oxygen trying to get to her heart. on december 6th, 2007 we had to let her go because there was nothing else we could do for her. it broke my heart.

thanksgiving was always the day we celebrated her birthday, since she loved food. it was pretty much exactly 10 years to the week when she came into our lives that she also left us. needless to say i was a mess on the inside. i hid it rather well. i would talk about her and my sadness. i did my job. i smiled and laugh….but inside i was numb. very numb. even as i write this, christmas lost it’s joy.

i fell into stop and shop cupcakes, bags of kettlecorn, soda after months of not having any, chocolate and peanutbutter, turkey chili dogs with potato rolls, etc.  clean eating? what was that during those weeks. the gym became just a place i worked at, not workout in. my bed became my friend, and BJ’s wholesalers became a place i wandered around in to take up the time.

i can make up all kinds of excuses, but what it came down to was just lifelessness. the drive was still in me. i still admired those at the gym who worked out pretty good — pat, tayna, debbie, amanda, and strangers who had their pony tails flying while running on the treadmills. i admired yell for her commitment to yoga during her sabataical from the real world while she lived in san diego. i admired the women who were brave enough and survived ann’s bootcamp classes.  i admired all of them, while i couldn’t make myself do anything but mourn and eat.

thursday morning, michelle got her groove back…well sorta. i found a workout partner – michela. she also fell into a slump with experiencing the  economic downturn firsthand.  in a way, i understood her funk. we talked a bit. i’m not sure what possessed me to call her at 7:40am in the morning, but i did. happily she answered and didn’t hang up. i had a preschool yoga class at 8am and then the rest of the day free until the early evening. she met me at the Y and we played around at the fitness center.

since it was all last minute, i didn’t have a plan. she wanted to work abs. and i just wanted to move. so i recalled many of the things ann (the trainer and bootcamp queen) had me do during my short time with her.  it felt good.  we did lunges with curls. squats with raises, used the medicine and bouncy/stability balls. we even got on some of the machines. it was just awesome having another person’s energy around to workout with. to push each other and to chat a little while working out.

she texted me this morning with three words: “my abs hurt!” mine did too, and i loved it! i sit and type now feeling the soreness in my arms, i miss this. really i do.

working out with someone is 10x better than being on your own.  i think that is why i enjoyed having a trainer when i did.  unfortunately i can’t afford another one at the moment. so when i don’t have michela …i have to dig down and push myself.

we are going to make a go of working out together more often if possible. the only thing is i can only do it when i am in her neck of the woods, which is two to three times a week. and she can only when she doesn’t have to work one of her part time jobs.

it inspired me, and i am aching to move. so i sit here dedicating myself again to this blog and to my goals. my head is swirling with ideas for our next workout session, and what i can do on my own.

one of the fitness forums is doing a winter yoga sadhana and i am most likely going to join.


Cheat day doesn’t seem right. A day of freedom maybe? A day where I’m not worried about what i put into my body. No worries of calories, no worries of what or how much to eat. Just a day to relax and let it go. Calling it a cheat day doesn’t add the positive spin i am trying to put on this journey. Freedom day doesn’t sound right either. Either way i am allowing myself one of those each week, although i am finding that i really don’t need it so much.

The first week wasn’t as hard as it could have been. I made my shopping list, and on that first Friday i cooked my meals for the week, and froze a lot for the future. That week my mom made yummy southern/soulfood style banana pudding, a weakness of mine. It’s not often that banana pudding is made, so it is a rare treat. I had to have some, even though it wasn’t my free day.  I did feel some conflicting feelings over this, including a smattering of guilt. If i had denied myself, the outcome would have been worse.

I wasn’t a hog and eating mounds of it, but i ate enough.  I went back later that evening, the next day and the day after that. A weakness. At one point i had to put aside the guilt, it was hard. I had to accept that i did eat but that i didn’t gorge, i did keep portion size and my food intake for the week was all clean eating (turkey meatloaf, cauliflower smash, veggies, brown rice, shrimp, etc).  The biggest win was and has been i haven’t had any type of soda since i started this journey.

The elimination of soda from my foods has been a huge win. The cans that would fill the recycle bin was like a small mountain.  Honestly, i would drink it even though i thought it tasted like horrible battery acid or something.  The sweetness would keep me hooked, like a drug. I would drink so much soda that i would wake up with a dehydrated hang over (major headaches and feeling really sugglish). If i knew i was drinking too much, i would make sure to have a bottle or two of water to counteract the dehyration.  Since this journey i haven’t had a drop of soda. I have been tempted, but i just look in the fridge and think about that taste which i really do not like, and i pass.

I do have a serious sugar addiction. this past week or two i have had less than a tablespoon of white sugar. i have substituted it with honey or agave nectar to lightly sweeten fruit or oatmeal.  The craving for cakes or pies haven’t happened yet. I’m looking different cookbooks so i can keep it clean.

I’ve had amazing support on this journey and it’s only the start. Brittney loaned me some of her Clean Eating and Nutrition magazines and cookbooks. I’ve been pouring over those, figuring out my menus.  I’ve stocked the fridge with grapes, bananas, peaches and sliced apples so i have no excuse. I can easily grab that for a quick snack between meals or to hold off hunger while i am waiting for the microwave to finish heating up my frozen lunch or dinner.

Today’s cooking marathon included turkey chili (four types of beans, eggplant, broccoli, squash, tomatoes, peppers, and onions), curried butternut squash soup (butternut, sweet potato, carrots, and no cream), and mashed cauliflower with garlic.  Most of it will be popped into the freezer for future consumption.