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things come up. my journey never stopped even though it felt like i fell down the rabbit hole. honestly i can’t remember the last time i wrote on this blog. if it wasn’t for the nudge Kevin gave asking why i haven’t updated…i don’t know when i would have.

in a way, it reminds me of my journey with weightloss throughout my life. with robust enthusiasm i jump on board and feel deep down how much i want to do it. then a distraction or two happens and eventually the strong path i was on disappears. not forgotten, just not as the top priority. the desire to lose weight and become fierce in body is still there, just not as strong. it’s not new, i am not the first one to feel it and i won’t be the last.

in the last few weeks, although i haven’t written, i have been working out and changing my eating habits. january came and i fell in a funk. along the way i happened to find a workout partner, a lifeguard at one of the fitness centers. we can only get together on tuesdays and thursdays, but it has helped light the fire within me again. Michaela’s goal is to be fierce for her wedding in June so it has been a nice goal. not my personal goal, but because i am the type of person who tends to want to help others it pushes me to push her on occasion. it’s not one sided at all, she pushes me when i feel a little lazy and vice versa.

due to Michaela i have been reintroduced to swimming. as a kid i was always in and out of the water during the humid connecticut summers. it’s been a while since i have been waterlogged and my skills weren’t that great when we first got in the pool.  it was nice to revisit a old passion.  what i do in the water right now isn’t really swimming.  to build up strength in my troublesome leg and hip, i’ve been primarily doing laps with the kickboard and aqua jogging.  adding this  activity into my workout plan has helped – my hip doesn’t hurt me as much, and flare ups with the sciatica has been few and far apart. improvements have been gained within the weeks since i’ve hit the pool. i’m able to do more laps continuously without taking as many breaks when i first started and with aqua jogging i am able to take off the float belt.  i will continue with this for a bit longer then Michaela will reteach me how to swim properly.

the swimming and working out with Michaela has opened a nice door for me to workout. when we didn’t hit the pool, we set up our own little bootcamp in one of the aerobics room. it is more fun having a workout partner especially when you are running suicides, and are able to encourage each other to use a bigger dumbbell or do one more rep. outside of working out together, it has pushed me in working out more.  before my yoga class i would find myself on the elliptical or treadmill for ten minutes. that grew to more time and even me staying after my class to get more time in. eventually i got myself to push it to 60 minutes. it didn’t take much time to get there. what i have become most proud of is my progress. i can tell i am getting stronger, not just with my “swimming”, but seeing the gains in mileage on the elliptical. recently i’ve upgraded the weights i use from just eight and ten pounds, transitioning to twelve pounds.

doing this, and slacking off this week…i realized i need more. i need structure. need more of a plan in what to do. i need to take that next step. honestly, that next step does  hold some fear.

on a fitness community blog i got into a discussion with another about a question that was posed. a poster was asking for direction because she was a chronic binger. i put out a list of my ideas in how to help conquer it including the help from a therapist or a dietitian. one thing i wrote was how the biggest thing she had to do was be serious about working on the problem.  another commenter said i was setting the person up for failure and that the original poster’s first priority would be to get into therapy. i still stand by what i said.  no matter what the addiction is, if you don’t take your desire to fix the issue seriously, doing what you can and have to, then you really are setting yourself up for failure. i know because i’ve been there and done that.

even though i slacked off for the past week, i’m still serious in my pursuit. to confess,  i am a bit scared. i’ve been chubby all my life. there has never been a moment where i was a good healthy weight. so what happens when i am not anymore? the universe has been aligned for me to finally reach that moment this time around. i am working with a dietitian and a few days ago i was offered to be trained by an amazing person at one of the gyms closer to home. (meaning less driving, and frequent access as opposed to the other wonderful opportunities.) i have positive support around me. it’s like all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together really well. and with the possibility of success around the corner, the fear of what happens after that sets in.

i won’t focus on the fear, but it is healthy to realize it is there. it’s healthy to know that it could play a part in failure if i allow it.

there are a couple of topics that have come up so i will be updating again soon.