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i forgive myself. i am not beating myself up because i fell off the wagon.

to keep being negative about it would just sink me down even further.  i understand what happened. last year around thanksgiving my dog, who i raised since she was about a month old or so, got really sick.  cancer. a tumor that invaded the vena cava and stole her oxygen trying to get to her heart. on december 6th, 2007 we had to let her go because there was nothing else we could do for her. it broke my heart.

thanksgiving was always the day we celebrated her birthday, since she loved food. it was pretty much exactly 10 years to the week when she came into our lives that she also left us. needless to say i was a mess on the inside. i hid it rather well. i would talk about her and my sadness. i did my job. i smiled and laugh….but inside i was numb. very numb. even as i write this, christmas lost it’s joy.

i fell into stop and shop cupcakes, bags of kettlecorn, soda after months of not having any, chocolate and peanutbutter, turkey chili dogs with potato rolls, etc.  clean eating? what was that during those weeks. the gym became just a place i worked at, not workout in. my bed became my friend, and BJ’s wholesalers became a place i wandered around in to take up the time.

i can make up all kinds of excuses, but what it came down to was just lifelessness. the drive was still in me. i still admired those at the gym who worked out pretty good — pat, tayna, debbie, amanda, and strangers who had their pony tails flying while running on the treadmills. i admired yell for her commitment to yoga during her sabataical from the real world while she lived in san diego. i admired the women who were brave enough and survived ann’s bootcamp classes.  i admired all of them, while i couldn’t make myself do anything but mourn and eat.

thursday morning, michelle got her groove back…well sorta. i found a workout partner – michela. she also fell into a slump with experiencing the  economic downturn firsthand.  in a way, i understood her funk. we talked a bit. i’m not sure what possessed me to call her at 7:40am in the morning, but i did. happily she answered and didn’t hang up. i had a preschool yoga class at 8am and then the rest of the day free until the early evening. she met me at the Y and we played around at the fitness center.

since it was all last minute, i didn’t have a plan. she wanted to work abs. and i just wanted to move. so i recalled many of the things ann (the trainer and bootcamp queen) had me do during my short time with her.  it felt good.  we did lunges with curls. squats with raises, used the medicine and bouncy/stability balls. we even got on some of the machines. it was just awesome having another person’s energy around to workout with. to push each other and to chat a little while working out.

she texted me this morning with three words: “my abs hurt!” mine did too, and i loved it! i sit and type now feeling the soreness in my arms, i miss this. really i do.

working out with someone is 10x better than being on your own.  i think that is why i enjoyed having a trainer when i did.  unfortunately i can’t afford another one at the moment. so when i don’t have michela …i have to dig down and push myself.

we are going to make a go of working out together more often if possible. the only thing is i can only do it when i am in her neck of the woods, which is two to three times a week. and she can only when she doesn’t have to work one of her part time jobs.

it inspired me, and i am aching to move. so i sit here dedicating myself again to this blog and to my goals. my head is swirling with ideas for our next workout session, and what i can do on my own.

one of the fitness forums is doing a winter yoga sadhana and i am most likely going to join.

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I refuse to feel guilty about it. i refuse to feel guilty about it. i refuse to feel guilty about it…..maybe if i say it enough i won’t feel guilty.

Today was a two cupcake day, and the day isn’t done. I’m struggling with a personal issue, and been struggling with making a very difficult decision. The last 24 hours it has been even more pushed to the forefront. Since this morning, i admit to eating two red velvet with cream cheese cupcakes. The good news is that it wasn’t back to back.

Emotional eating sucks. I just felt like i needed that comfort in the soft spongey texture of the cake and the smooth rich creaminess of the frosting. Did it make me feel better? No. I still feel moody and in a rather funky place. Ya know what it is, i feel lost and in that cupcake i found a place i’m familiar with. Although that cupcake didn’t last long, it was a safe place to pour myself into.

I KNOW i shouldn’t feel guilty….but i kinda sorta do at this moment. I had a whole conversation with Brittney about this. I KNOW i need to move on, and the next meal is a new chance, a new moment. I KNOW i shouldn’t dwell and be proud that i hit the ellipitical before yoga class this morning. I am proud i got moving (i was grooving along with my IPod and lovin it).

So accountablity, which is part of what this blog is about. I put my two cupcake morning out there. I put my ellipitical run out there. I am dealing with the emotional reasonings behind the two cupcakes and hopefully I will have it resolved soon.

And absolutely no guilt allowed.

SPIN

Talking myself out of going to spin class would have been very easy. In fact, I came very close to it. None of the reasons really were valid. I do this all the time. Get excited about something, then the reality hits and i am forced to go through with it or back away. Saturday morning i packed my shoes, my seat cushion and some water …off to Norwalk i went. It’s not the closest fitness center, it is about a 20 minute ride if the traffic is fairly light. The choice to go and take Karen’s class was a decision.

It was comforting that I knew this place and had friendly faces who take my yoga class there with me. It helped that Karen is super awesome (and a powerhouse of energy on the bike) and looked out for me. I felt comforted, i felt like i belonged.

My main goal was to just keep peddling for the full class. I didn’t have to do anything fancy (jumps and all that) if i didn’t want to.  When i did feel strong, i did try some jumps. I made my goal — i did the class and i peddled all the way through it.  Afterwards, a woman i never met before gave me kudos. She mentioned she had only been able to do 20 minutes when she had first started.  Dave and Lisa, a wonderful couple who takes my yoga classes, also gave me kudos. Before class Dave warned me about Karen’s enthusiasm for jumps and sprints. It was cute. The whole vibe was good. I think that helps, and i look forward to next Saturday. I even made a client book later in the afternoon so that i can attend class and shower.

My personal reward for going to the class (the first one is always the hardest) and making it through was an ITunes card (i’m addicted). Of course this lead me to be inspired in shaking up my yoga class as i am infused with new music.


THE PERFECT MOMENT AND WHO I WANT TO BE…

Years ago when i went to my first yoga class every, I came out of class saying to myself “I want her life.” I didn’t know my yoga teacher’s life outside of the classroom. All i knew was that she was a yoga teacher, a massage therapist, and a reiki master. It wasn’t what she was doing, there was just a blissness to her. Years later…i’m pretty darn close to that description.  I didn’t expect to be here today doing what i love. Honestly i didn’t expect to be a massage therapist and a yoga teacher, but i am.

I always wanted to drive a Jeep since i was at least 10 years old. There was always something about Jeeps. Maybe it was the sense of adventure i always associated with it. The commercials of a Jeep parked next to a flowing river, and campers having a good time. Yeah i know, i was 10 believing in the marketing. It never got away from me though. Last year when looking for a new car because the Sundance died on me, the Jeep Liberty was on the top of my list. I got a used Escape instead (the Jeep Liberty was too close to Fairfield soccer mom for my tastes), which is still in that category of adventuresome 4 wheel drive. My reasons for a small SUV have more to do with my profession and gardening addiction, but always in the back of my mind I want to be that adventurer. I have that freespirit, or need i say inner athlete adventurer within me.

Deep down i want to be the active girl. For years i’ve tried to do kayaking lessons for my birthday, things just haven’t worked out. I see bikers on my drives in Westport and Norwalk, although i it is a sport i never was fully interested in, i do envy their ability and being able to get out and play in Mother Nature. I always wanted to check out indoor rock climbing, and just recently i learned that a local spot had closed (bummer). I just always wanted to be that kind of girl who is up for any thing, or can say “i’m going to Vermont/camping/hiking/fill in the blank for the week end. I live in a beautiful state that has so much to offer, and i don’t take advantage of it. I envy those cars who have bike, ski or snowboard racks on them. I smile at suvs who have a canoe or kayak strapped to the top. There is just something about it. I wanna be that kind of girl.

Just today, I was telling Julia (another wonderful spin instructor with great energy who takes my class).  I asked her about the possibility of taking me out on a ride when i get stronger.  When we thaw out of our winter, it could happen as long as i keep up my spinning and strengthening my left leg. I’m not really a cyclist, but i want to experience it at least once. It would be great to play outdoors. Julia was telling me about the amazing parts of Connecticut she has seen because of her rides.  The bonus would be giving me the opportunity to meet new people, which has been harder. Julia did mention that a lot of cyclists are men, so that was an interesting tidbit.

On my way home i thought about all this. The trees were in all of their glory in various shades from green through yellow, to golden oranges and bright reds.  I was hitting a hill on the Merritt and my cd player was starting to play The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves.  (You may have heard it in a car commerical btw.) It was the perfect moment. Here i was thinking about the person i want to be at this point in my life.  The person who wants to seek adventures in nature, to explore and play in this great backyard i have. All i could do was smile. This is what i want and what i am working for. It was just the perfect moment, as if it was in a movie. Any other song could have played right then and it wouldn’t have worked, i had the location perfect, and the voice over in my head fit like it was made for that moment.  Who am i to argue with the universe.

Saturday’s spin class did more than get me moving my body, it’s getting me moving on my path.  Losing the weight is a need and a bonus. I think right now my ultimate goal is to keep pushing myself to explore these athletic endeavors.

When i turned 30, I wasn’t fearful. I put myself on the path to be who i am now. I hit 35 this year, and i am putting myself on another path of who i want to be. All i can say is 40 should be damn interesting and i can only hope that i am living life to the fullest in the years between.