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Emotional eating could have consumed me today. I came so close to going to the mall and picking up Panda Express. I came so close to going to Stop N Shop to get a bunch of salt, sugar, crunchiness snack foods and chocolate to binge on. It took all of my will power to just keep driving.

Instead i took those emotions and cleaned. Throwing away stuff, shredding papers, and vaccuming replaced what could have been a binge. It wasn’t as satisfying as a strawberry cupcake could have been, but it kept me from drowning myself in food.

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why put myself out there? why let friends and strangers in on my journey? the answer is to be honest and truthful in my journey.

i’m a 6 time Weight Watchers drop out. it wasn’t because of the program itself. Weight Watchers is fabulous and i did lose weight with it. i lost the most weight when i didn’t have to go on this journey alone, when i had a buddy. eventually the buddy would stop going and drop out of Weight Watchers. sure they had all those people in there, but there is nothing like having someone you already know with you in the battlefield. side by side fighting the same war,  having someone talk you down when you want to reach for the croissant.

the group concept of support is a good thing, although when i was alone in that room, without a friend to lean on, i would hide. making myself invisible by sitting in the back and not speaking up to say a great loss or a bad gain assisted in my failure in the program. i did keep going back because i remembered those 14lbs i first dropped off of my body. i really wanted to do this, then i would get into my own way. obsession can be the only word to describe it.

obsession opened the door for the emotional aspects of losing weight. the first big goal on your Weight Watchers folder is 20%. sure they give you 5lb stickers, gold stars and 10% bookmarks…but the first big benchmark is 20%. in all of the six times i walked through those doors i never made it to 20%. i would get so obsessed with losing weight, obsessed with the number on the scale, and obsessed with points, so when i gained  i didn’t know how to handle it. emotional eating would come into play.  other life things were going on at the same time, only to contribute to my emotional eating.

yes i am an emotional eater…and then some. not only do i use food for comfort, but also for control at times.

hello, my name is michelle and i am a binge eater. i can’t tell you when i started binge eating. memories flood my mind of being surrounded by pecan pinwheels, powered donuts, soda, chips, reeses peanut butter cups, fast food, etc. i could go on and on and on. just feeding my face to suppress the depression or to fight back proving that i was in control and no one was going to tell me what i could or should eat. oh and  i would eat. it didn’t matter if i was hungry, but most of the time i was. the sad thing, was that once i started i couldn’t completely stop, even if the pinwheels started to taste gross, and the soda tasted like battery acid.  i would still eat them. the wrappers would be tossed as soon as i could.

the food would be snuck in and i would go to my room to feast.  i didn’t want the judgment and i didn’t want to be policed. what i did wasn’t healthy for me, and i was causing myself harm with the binge.

it’s not that i am unhappy with my body, yoga has taught me acceptance of being in my body.

working in the fitness and wellness field, i want to stop feeling like a hypocrite.  as i mentioned before it’s not about being skinny, it’s about being healthy in mind and body. i need to lose weight for health reasons — diabetes which runs in the family and hip discomfort which plagues me.

my start day is sunday October 5th,2008. why not start now? i need set up my plan, which i will write about soon

putting this out there keeps me honest and makes me accountable. in turn, putting up this blog i’ve started to inspire others. honestly, i didn’t intend to do that, but i am with open arms welcoming it since going through the journey alone is not fun. i know i am lucky in that i have many wonderful people rooting me on and i thank you all.

Live.Love.Laugh,

m