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that was said to me by a stranger, a random yoga student, as i was talking to Stephanie the nutritionist. it hit a nerve.

i do want this. but it is not my absolute number one top priority because that slot if filled by my business. i have to make money, and i have to pay my bills…fat or healthy. that is just a fact. i do understand the sentiment behind the statement, especially these last few weeks.

business has been doing great this month. when business is good, it means im always on the run which equals my eating is not proper.  meals get skipped, and when i realize i am hungry i make the quick (usually calorie laden, non nutritious) choices.  breakfast gets skipped and my first meal doesn’t happen until noon many times during the week.

stress has been a huge factor these last few weeks withtense relationships withfriends. one thing i did notice was since i was busy with work, emotional eating wasn’t a huge factor.  i didn’t crave the usual comfort foods, but then again i didn’t have time to sit down and truely poor myself into the foods i would normally gravitate too.

activity is a big key to this journey. before teaching yoga i would practice every single day.  there were changes in my body when i did that.  practicing yoga also triggers something in my head when it comes to food choices, so my eating habits changed.

my emotional eating, besides being busy, may have also been tempered by my work in the veggie garden. working in the garden is almost a zen like experience.  i get passionate and excited about growing my own food. there is nothing better than going into the veggie patch and picking out your lunch or dinner. unfortunately, the garden is still in the baby stages, and i can’t pick anything besides chives and rhubarb. working in the garden is a huge stress reliever.  it’s physical labor – hauling bags of composted manure, digging, walking back and forth from the mini greenhouse, etc. i do enjoy it.  expect more gardening posts.

i did have a moment with a personal trainer at one of the gyms. he offered to work with me every monday, but that didn’t happen.  we did get together for one training session and i had a good time. i really liked his style. i am really out of shape and not where i want to be physically.

working out in the gym is okay. personally i prefer various activities.  last summer, one of my yoga students Michael, introductedme to hitting tennis balls. i had an absolute blast. during the winter i even found two tennis rackets at goodwill so i can grab anyone willing to just hit balls when spring came.  it hasn’t happened yet. i haven’t found anyone to play withwho’s schedule meshes with mine, but i am working on it.

today i went hiking after my yoga class. it was always on my list. i live in such a beautiful and diverse small state, it doesn’t take long to get to a nice hiking spot. Claire (another yoga student, see a pattern here) and i headed off after class. it’s about 5 to 10 minutes away from the gym. such a beautiful day for it too. after being all stressed for the last few weeks, it really helped melt away the emotional toll on my body.  i totally needed it since my body got mad at me and overslept, making me miss my 6am Tuesday morning class.

the combination of being physicial, but  it was actually taking the time out for myself that really made me feel good.  (since i knew i was going hiking today, i made sure i had something for breakfast – wheat toast withpeanut butter Skippy’s natural.) Claire’s company was great, and it was nice learning about her.  we took the easy trail which leads to the tower. i had to rest a few times, and my hip starting aching close to the top towards the tower.  Claire also mentioned when she’s starts out for hiking season, she’s the same way. the hike was going straight up, and the view was worth it.  the weather was perfect – blue sky and not very hot.  it seems to be something we may do again. personally, if i can figure out how to get there myself,  i would love to go once or twice a week.

i was so inspired by my hike today that i stopped off my favorite market for veggies and fruit. i splurged and purchased a few oranges and they had jicama. ever since bravo’stop chef episode with a jicama salad, i’vebeen wanting to try it just never knew what it looked like or where to buy it.  lunch today was a nice salad – greens, grape tomatoes, sprouts, cucumber, and a hard boiled egg with a white balsamic dressing.  my choices become better. while i was waiting for the egg to boil, i was tempted to grab a bag of chips, but i didn’t. that was why i splurged on my oranges. i grabbed an orange and yes it was yummy.

tomorrow, i have a date with another yoga student (mmmmmmmm i see a pattern here) Anne Marie who is working on her pilates certification. personally i am not a big pilates fan, but i love the reformer (a machine that uses the bodies resistance and springs).  it is very core-centric.  i look forward to it, then maybe i’ll get into the garden again.

i do want this, life happens though.  me wanting to be healthy isn’t about just losing the weight.  it’s about a lifestyle and behavioral change,  finding that balance.  if it was just about losing the weight i would be in weight watchers for the 8th time. or heeding the call the Jenny Craig across the parking lot from one of the gyms keeps calling me.  it’s not about particular diets, because i don’t believe they work in the long run.

Stephanie mentioned that i should do a food journal.  i don’t like them, i feel guilty when i don’t have something clean. but understand it will give her a better way to guide me into changing my eating habits. the summer will be easier to eat well since i have my garden and i never shied away from veggies.  the real test will be the fall.

I refuse to feel guilty about it. i refuse to feel guilty about it. i refuse to feel guilty about it…..maybe if i say it enough i won’t feel guilty.

Today was a two cupcake day, and the day isn’t done. I’m struggling with a personal issue, and been struggling with making a very difficult decision. The last 24 hours it has been even more pushed to the forefront. Since this morning, i admit to eating two red velvet with cream cheese cupcakes. The good news is that it wasn’t back to back.

Emotional eating sucks. I just felt like i needed that comfort in the soft spongey texture of the cake and the smooth rich creaminess of the frosting. Did it make me feel better? No. I still feel moody and in a rather funky place. Ya know what it is, i feel lost and in that cupcake i found a place i’m familiar with. Although that cupcake didn’t last long, it was a safe place to pour myself into.

I KNOW i shouldn’t feel guilty….but i kinda sorta do at this moment. I had a whole conversation with Brittney about this. I KNOW i need to move on, and the next meal is a new chance, a new moment. I KNOW i shouldn’t dwell and be proud that i hit the ellipitical before yoga class this morning. I am proud i got moving (i was grooving along with my IPod and lovin it).

So accountablity, which is part of what this blog is about. I put my two cupcake morning out there. I put my ellipitical run out there. I am dealing with the emotional reasonings behind the two cupcakes and hopefully I will have it resolved soon.

And absolutely no guilt allowed.